You are worth it.

Suicide.

That word scares me. It terrifies me. I don’t understand why some people joke about it. I don’t like it when people hold their hand up to their head like it’s a gun when they’re upset about something. I hate the fact that people don’t take it seriously. But maybe it’s just cause they don’t understand.

But what confuses me most is why you would do that to yourself. Why would you want to hurt yourself? Why would you want to end your life? Sometimes it’s not their fault. Sometimes people are blinded by depression, drugs, and other things along those lines. As I think about it today… People that commit suicide… maybe they think it’s best that they’re gone, maybe they’re just so miserable they can’t stand it anymore, maybe their life is already spiraling downward and they can’t find a way out of the hole they dug so deep. But no matter what the reason, there are so many that are affected by one person committing suicide. Even if that person feels that they are alone. There are family members, friends, coworkers, neighbors… So many people feel the pain and sorrow of one death. Why would a person leave, knowing that they would hurt so many others? It’s different when it was an accident, but when it was intentional… It hurts worse. You think of what you could have done to help that person, what you did or didn’t say that might have changed their mind. What life would be like if they were still here. If they were okay…

It was a Friday night. We had friends over that night for what we called playgroup. I was ten years old. Things seemed a little weird that night. My mom was upstairs crying when my friends were over, and my dad was really quiet. I didn’t know what was wrong. After the kids left, my parents gathered me and my siblings around in the living room. We sat there looking expectantly at my dad. And then he told us… My uncle was gone. I was devastated. How could he leave me? He was my best friend. Tears ran down my face. I couldn’t believe it. How could he leave me? That question kept playing over and over in my head. I remember staring at my little sister as I cried. She was too young to understand. She was laying on the floor rocking herself to sleep as we all cried… I don’t think I ever cried more in my life.

The funeral was hard. We walked into the church building and down the hall to the room where he was. Right as we walked in, his mom was there. She came over to me, hugged me tight, and through her tears, she said, “He loved you so much.” Then why did he leave me?! I couldn’t look at him. My entire being longed for him to sit up, smile and say everything was okay. I couldn’t believe he was dead. My best friend, just gone. Just all of a sudden, gone. He was my everything.

Today… it’s like the wound has been reopened. My mom’s cousin… he’s gone now. It scares me to think, I knew him. He made some bad decisions and I guess it seemed like a way out for him. His last words were spoken over the phone: “I love you, Dad.” It’s sad to think of how his family is right now. His dad is in a lot of pain. His sister has nobody. It’s just hard for me to understand how someone could just leave… But he is in heaven. They both are. I believe that. And I am so grateful that I have that knowledge. If all I believed was that death was the end, this life would be so much harder.

To anyone reading this, you are worth it. Every life is. There is no life that should be ended on one’s own account. There are people here on this earth that love you, and care about you, they would never want you to leave. Most importantly, there is God. God loves you more than anyone else in the entire universe. His love is incomprehensible. He wants you here on this earth for a reason. Yes, you have a purpose. You are a beloved Child of God. He loves you. Shouldn’t that be enough to stay? He can get you through it, I promise. If you will only turn to Him…

You are worth it.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s