11:43 PM

I should be sleeping cause I have to get up early tomorrow buuut I can’t sleep… “The sky’s awake, so I’m awake!!” #namethatmovie ;)

So I’m just laying here, right? And I start thinking about promenade. The last practice was like a week ago. I tried to go over the steps in my head, but I kept getting distracted. But I just had to make sure I remembered it all so I got on YouTube and started playing the song–You and Me by Lifehouse–and I’m pretty sure I remember all the steps. Phew. In my mind I imagine myself doing the dance alone for some reason… But it makes me super relieved and happy that in real life I’ve got Cameron doing it with me so I don’t have to dance by myself, cause that’d be a disaster!

Ballroom dancing is fun. Once you learn the steps–BOOM–we’re on fire and we feel so confident cause other kids are asking for our help, and we’re not even experienced dancers in the first place! It kind of makes you feel good when you’re kinda good at something you thought you’d never be able to do… Another reason why I’m glad I’ve got Cameron as my partner; I wasn’t scared to learn cause I knew we were on the same page. We both didn’t know what we were doing at first! But after lots of counting, 1-2-3-4-5-6, 1-2-3-4-5-6, (so glad we can both keep the beat) and lots of repetition, we’ve got it down. Mostly. :)

And at the most recent promenade practice, we just nailed it (most of the time)! We didn’t even have to count anymore, we know it so well! And we just had so much fun. :) And there are still three more practices! Not to mention the for real realsie promenade when we’ll be at the Capitol. In six days. (But who’s counting?) ;)

I’m soooo excited! A little nervous, but still, everything is gonna be fantastic! All my friends are gonna be there, all the girls are going to look like princesses in their fancy dresses, I’m gonna be with one of my best friends and our group is gonna be super fun. And we’re gonna dance like pros! I’m so excited. Ah. :)

So there’s that. Just a tiny part of what’s been going through my mind tonight… and the rest of my thoughts–“all good things, all good things!” Of course, right? Riiiight.

Nighty night. :)

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138.

138. When I’m sitting down and I’m really relaxed, I start rocking back and forth without realizing it.

Summer. The sun is out, the world just barely coming out of spring. It’s warm enough to get wet and feel the freedom and recklessness that summer brings. I’m with all my friends, all the people I care about. Summer brings a lazy happiness, a happy carelessness, where time seems to stop and no one wants the moment to end, but at the same time, they all know there will be plenty of similar moments to come. Hearts beat fast at the thrills and dares we take in the hot weather. Laughter rings out loud and blocks out any source of negativity. The grass is green; the days are full of light and heat. Conversations get deeper; sunsets get prettier. I can’t help but love every second of it. That’s summer.

It was nighttime in this story though. It was still warm outside. Crickets were chirping and mosquitos and moths were flying around the light on the back porch. It’d been a long day for all of us. Some of the girls were playing guitar and singing as we all silently listened to them. It was beautiful—their voices, I mean. Their perfect voices filled up the silence and it was another lazy, careless summer moment that should have never ended. Summer does that to us—we all wish it was infinite. And that night, I don’t think anyone wanted it to end. No one wanted to go home, we all wanted to stay on that back porch forever with the guitars strumming. Because in some ways, somehow we all became a family that day…

I was scared, I was so scared. I needed to forget some things. Sitting on the back porch was comforting though. I was on the step right outside the door. My face was in my knees, hiding the tears I was fighting; hiding the exhaustion I was feeling. Sometimes the perfect summer moments we feel aren’t always felt in a state of pure happiness. I was trying to forget, focusing on the sweet melodies and words of the songs being sung. And when I’m sitting for a long time, I absentmindedly start to rock back and forth. And that’s what I was doing. Hugging my legs with my face down, slowly rocking myself back and forth, back and forth—quite a sight, I’m sure.

Then he came outside and sat down beside me. He used to make fun of how I’d rock back and forth—I wouldn’t realize I was, and he’d point it out and tease me. Well when he sat down he told me I was rocking. He might have thought it was funny, but I didn’t care. I just looked up at him and nodded then put my head back down. Rocking can be soothing sometimes. So I kept going back and forth, hugging my legs with my face down. I was glad he was with me. I was scared, and I know he was too. In that moment, I needed him there. I needed my newly formed family that had grown so close together that day. As we continued listening to the music on the porch, he started to rock with me, for what seemed like a long time. Back and forth, back and forth. And that meant the world to me…

Good Things #20

Alright I’ve been thinking a lot today…

Learn from your mistakes and move on, right?

Right.

Sooo here’s me. Learning. Moving on. Choosing HAPPY. Cause I am happy. Happy happy happy. :)

K good things!

1. I like it when cute songs are stuck in my head.

2. Whistling in class is fun. Especially when people whistle back.

3. Silver days are wayyyy better than blue days.

4. My seminary teacher is so fantastic, I just love him! He brought us donuts today. Yum. :D

5. When people play with my hair… Mm.

6. My brother and I happen to enjoy eating peanut butter by the spoonful. With bananas preferably.

7. First promenade practice was tonight. We nailed it. Crushed it. Killed it. Whatever you wanna call it. Cameron and I were the best dancers there, hands down. ;)

8. My girls are everything to me and they make life sooo much better.

9. Random Facebook messages are always greatly appreciated. :)

10. My mom knows everything about me. We can stay up talking for hours. I just love that I can be best friends with her.

11. Aaron is my most favorite person on this planet!! Yes, two exclamation points cause I love him that much. He really is the greatest.

12. The piano is a perfect instrument. All musical things are just so wonderful.

13. Talking to certain people makes me feel soo happy and maybe even pretty.

14. Yoga pants and t-shirts are my favorite thing to wear. So comfy.

15. Last night my YW leader put signs down the hallway of the church as we walked in; signs that said things like “you are beautiful” and “you are important” and “you are amazing”. I don’t think she’ll ever realize how much that meant to me.

16. Hugs. Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs.

17. Cinnamon toast is my favorite thing to eat at the moment. It makes me happy happy. :)

18. Tomorrow is Friday Eve!

19. One of my teachers said that there are only 56 more school days till summer.

20. I AM LOVED. I can feel it.

I don’t know.

DISCLAIMER :: VENTING POST

Ever have those moments when you try to be happy and everything you think everyone wants you to be and it just doesn’t work out? I try to talk and be funny then I just get a weird look… I wonder if I talk too much. Even then I hardly know what to say when I’m talking to certain people. It’s like when I mess up, I always try to think of what I did wrong and why am I so awkwarddd and how come people still want to be my friend.

And holy heck I have messed up. I feel so much guilt and even more regret. And it’s not even a huge thing. But oh my, “I’m pathetic I’m pathetic I’m pathetic” just keeps running through my head over and over and over. I’m angry. Not necessarily sad. Definitely frustrated.

It’s just one of those days where I seriously consider how nice it would be to move away for the summer… To my favorite place. I could find a job, maybe even work on the farm and get strong. haha Mornings are chilly there, so I’d be able to run in the morning and feel great. I’d be able to go to the temple at least twice a week. Maybe I’d make friends? I mean I’d have to go to mutual and stuff… A few summer night hang outs would be cool. But I don’t even care about that.

I could go to Lake Powell. I could ride motor boats and swim all day. Go tubing, go cliff diving. I could attempt to get tan… don’t know if that’d work out… haha I could sleep under the stars. I’d like that. I love the colors of Lake Powell; the red rocks, the blue, blue sky. It’s so pretty there. Orrr I could go to Colorado. I like that place too. Get a job, probably at a mall. But then I could go shopping a lot too. And have loooots of movie nights. I would really like that. But where else? Florida would be nice. Arizona, maybe? These places are super hot. Idaho? I really like Idaho… I could finally learn how to drive a four-wheeler… and have lots of fires and hot dogs and lots of cupcakes and lemon custard ice cream.

If I didn’t have my girls, I’d be out of this place. My mind will probably change tomorrow, but seriously this is how I feel right now. I’m just so done with everything that’s going on here…

I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. My best friends make everything better, always. I can tell them anything and I love it. And my family… I love them. My brother and I have gotten closer recently, and he’s so much smarter than me, gee.

But… I don’t know. It’s just been a rough couple days. They shouldn’t even be rough! I’m just being pathetic! Ahh. I really need to be happier. And I can be. I can choose today. All this rage and complaining, it’s not worth it.

The end.

Until they find it.

From Brē on ohpishposh.com. Her blog is pretty cool by the way, if you wanna check it out.

I love this. I know I’m not even old enough for this stuff, but still… I like cute things.

“Nobody knows what it is they want, until they find it. How many love stories do you hear that start like this, “I wanted a girl who acts this way and looks like this and loves doing this, and I finally found her!!!” No. You hear love stories that start like this, “I just knew. She was everything I never knew I wanted.” And it stops them in their tracks.

You are exactly what someone is looking for. They just don’t know it yet.”