I don’t know.

DISCLAIMER :: VENTING POST

Ever have those moments when you try to be happy and everything you think everyone wants you to be and it just doesn’t work out? I try to talk and be funny then I just get a weird look… I wonder if I talk too much. Even then I hardly know what to say when I’m talking to certain people. It’s like when I mess up, I always try to think of what I did wrong and why am I so awkwarddd and how come people still want to be my friend.

And holy heck I have messed up. I feel so much guilt and even more regret. And it’s not even a huge thing. But oh my, “I’m pathetic I’m pathetic I’m pathetic” just keeps running through my head over and over and over. I’m angry. Not necessarily sad. Definitely frustrated.

It’s just one of those days where I seriously consider how nice it would be to move away for the summer… To my favorite place. I could find a job, maybe even work on the farm and get strong. haha Mornings are chilly there, so I’d be able to run in the morning and feel great. I’d be able to go to the temple at least twice a week. Maybe I’d make friends? I mean I’d have to go to mutual and stuff… A few summer night hang outs would be cool. But I don’t even care about that.

I could go to Lake Powell. I could ride motor boats and swim all day. Go tubing, go cliff diving. I could attempt to get tan… don’t know if that’d work out… haha I could sleep under the stars. I’d like that. I love the colors of Lake Powell; the red rocks, the blue, blue sky. It’s so pretty there. Orrr I could go to Colorado. I like that place too. Get a job, probably at a mall. But then I could go shopping a lot too. And have loooots of movie nights. I would really like that. But where else? Florida would be nice. Arizona, maybe? These places are super hot. Idaho? I really like Idaho… I could finally learn how to drive a four-wheeler… and have lots of fires and hot dogs and lots of cupcakes and lemon custard ice cream.

If I didn’t have my girls, I’d be out of this place. My mind will probably change tomorrow, but seriously this is how I feel right now. I’m just so done with everything that’s going on here…

I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. My best friends make everything better, always. I can tell them anything and I love it. And my family… I love them. My brother and I have gotten closer recently, and he’s so much smarter than me, gee.

But… I don’t know. It’s just been a rough couple days. They shouldn’t even be rough! I’m just being pathetic! Ahh. I really need to be happier. And I can be. I can choose today. All this rage and complaining, it’s not worth it.

The end.

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